It's been like a month and now and somethings are better and others not

Lately it's been hard for me to keep many thoughts at the same time. It's like my mind can't process things like it used too and whenever I have to change from something to another it takes me hours to get the energy back.

I've been forgeting things more and more the past few days and in all honesty, it's kinda scary

I feel divided. Like I have things to do, people to please and mi mind can't cope with it all  

It's been a hard couple of weeks, a hard few months and depending how you look at it, even more.

A little more than a week ago, my old nanny passed away, after like a year of fighting against lung cancer. I didn't want to say anything at the time cause it's not something I wanted to talk and it was so close to april fools I didn't want people thinking it was a bad joke.

But it's been a week now and I'm not doing well, I don't know how I'm doing. I'm feeling sad. With a lot of anxiety and regret. Regret of not being more, not being better and above all else, not being there for her as much as I could have. She really was a second mother to me, took care of us since I was born, whenever my mom and dad were too busy or not there, she was. She was always there to help, to talk and I don't believe I was.

And please don't say I was, you don't know me, what I did and didn't do

I've feel really bad this past week, choking on a ball of emotions that doesn't want to go day in and day out. Felt like I'm being pulled in all directions, with what I want, what others want what others need, wanting to be there, wanting to be better and failing.

And the worst part is, it's far from over. Without going into details, I have other family members that don't have the best life expectancies and I don't want to feel like I wasn't with them when I could but even now it's so hard, it's hard to me to be with people in person, even when I love them, even when I want to.

Everytime I end up feeling angry and sad and just wanting to be alone and that's the best case. I don't have the best relationship with all of them and I really don't know how to do anything more and I hate myself for not being more, for being incapable of at least give them tranquilitie.

I'm so tired of feeling everything like an obligation and falling short to others expectations. I'm tired of everything, doing art for others, having to answer comments, having all this anxiety and pressure to do everything and the fact that if I don't do that, I have nothing else to do. There's no plase to go, no shoulder to cry, no words to confort

Long story short. I remove my paypal information from my psn account and then I received a mail from paypal saying that "Your Billing Agreement with Sony Interactive Entertainment Network has been cancelled"

I checked my paypal and there was a transaction for I think a game I bought a week ago that was fully paid

I don't know what any of this means, can someone help me please?

After some long absence to take care of my grandma, that was extended even further due to a freaking car crash!

I'm finally back at my house, back at my room and back at work

I'll get back at uploading stuff soon ^^

As the title say, I was in a car crash today. Good news, I'm mostly unharmed. Bad news, they had to take my grandma to the hospital, but all in all, she does looks fine and has no signs of any serious injury.

Still, she'll stay the night to be in observation.

Overall I'm fine, with a big headache, but fine none the less ^^

Letting you all know that I'm leaving tomorrow to take care of my grandma for a few weeks.

Apologies for any absent or delay that that might cause

And let's hope that it will be better
It's safe to say that this wasn't the best year for most, certainly wasn't for me

Been debating whether make a list of all the stuff that has happened to me or not, so... in short: 

Got sick a few times, get depressed a lot, had to deal with dead, start with a new therapist and new medication, fail some job interviews, got new friends, lost old friends, actually did inktober and lost one of my cats

(That last one was rather recent and really broke my heart)

Every year I do a list of promises for the new year, not always succeed at them, but it's important to not give up!

So, here I go:

1.-get better habits: waking up earlier, organice more my time, all that stuff
2.-clean up my room, to organize my life I need to organise my place
3.-Go back to job searching
4.-get more organized and more efficient in my drawings

I really did anything this year and I need to get better at it

And to all, I hope you have a great 2018 and never give up on your life's, no matter how hard things get *hugs*

And I mean computer stuff (darn abbreviations)

I just had some PC stuff happen and I think it's time for me to get an upgrade. Problem is... I know jack about technobabble

Does anyone have any recommendations? I just want something where I can play some games and do art

For all your gifts and birthday wishes.

Really cuddles my heart seeing so many people throwing nice wishes at me every year <3

So again, from the bottom of my heart

THANK YOU!

First, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. Though I haven't really been here all that much either.

I know this year. But more precisely since last year till today, I haven't been here that much. I mean, I've been here, but not as active.

I've written more than a few journals about me and feeling down and I wanted to thank you all again for always cheering me up. But I... I don't think I'm getting better

I want to get better, I want to do more, I want to come back and talk with all of you again. But I never seem to be able to and it's not for lack of time.

Ever since finishing my final tests (worst experience of my life) I've been very emotionally fragile

There are days where I can work on a half finished piece for hours on end. And there are days like now, where I have an almost finished piece and I can't even move the mouse. And there are days where I can't even get out of bed.

My anxiety is the worst. I feel my stomach clenching and a lack of air. I'm so afraid of losing everyone I end up paralyzed. Both IRL and here

... I guy I followed for many years erased his account this year. he was one of the first people I followed here. When I realised it, I went back and watch all his journals and status... there was nothing saying that he was thinking of leaving, but... 

Another friend of mine has had a really horrible year so far. And just like with the last one, I lost contact with him for many months until I decided to see how he had been. Losing his house, trying to survive. Went throw some really desperate moments and I wasn't there for him, when he needed it the most. He is better now, but I can't forgive myself

And IRL, people I know are sick and... there's nothing I can do. There's nothing is can be done. and I don't know what to do. Again, I just end up paralyzed and... just can't do anything

I'm back on therapy and medication as of right now. So far: 

-therapy really not good. The first one I went kinda ended up quitting on me and the second one I just started, but it really wasn't a good start (one of the reasons I'm feeling like this today)

-medication... yes and no. I was on some pills for my depression. They kinda work, but they also gave me nightmares, plus I run out. Now I'm with something to sleep and I think it works, but I also think it has a cumulative effect. So who knows how I'll be in a week or so

Sorry for the huge rant. I think some of the stuff here I've said before. I just needed to let some stuff out... again

But, more than that, I wanted to say:

Thanks to all my friend that have always been there for me. Sorry to all my friends for not being there for you