First, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. Though I haven't really been here all that much either.

I know this year. But more precisely since last year till today, I haven't been here that much. I mean, I've been here, but not as active.

I've written more than a few journals about me and feeling down and I wanted to thank you all again for always cheering me up. But I... I don't think I'm getting better

I want to get better, I want to do more, I want to come back and talk with all of you again. But I never seem to be able to and it's not for lack of time.

Ever since finishing my final tests (worst experience of my life) I've been very emotionally fragile

There are days where I can work on a half finished piece for hours on end. And there are days like now, where I have an almost finished piece and I can't even move the mouse. And there are days where I can't even get out of bed.

My anxiety is the worst. I feel my stomach clenching and a lack of air. I'm so afraid of losing everyone I end up paralyzed. Both IRL and here

... I guy I followed for many years erased his account this year. he was one of the first people I followed here. When I realised it, I went back and watch all his journals and status... there was nothing saying that he was thinking of leaving, but... 

Another friend of mine has had a really horrible year so far. And just like with the last one, I lost contact with him for many months until I decided to see how he had been. Losing his house, trying to survive. Went throw some really desperate moments and I wasn't there for him, when he needed it the most. He is better now, but I can't forgive myself

And IRL, people I know are sick and... there's nothing I can do. There's nothing is can be done. and I don't know what to do. Again, I just end up paralyzed and... just can't do anything

I'm back on therapy and medication as of right now. So far: 

-therapy really not good. The first one I went kinda ended up quitting on me and the second one I just started, but it really wasn't a good start (one of the reasons I'm feeling like this today)

-medication... yes and no. I was on some pills for my depression. They kinda work, but they also gave me nightmares, plus I run out. Now I'm with something to sleep and I think it works, but I also think it has a cumulative effect. So who knows how I'll be in a week or so

Sorry for the huge rant. I think some of the stuff here I've said before. I just needed to let some stuff out... again

But, more than that, I wanted to say:

Thanks to all my friend that have always been there for me. Sorry to all my friends for not being there for you