It's been a hard couple of weeks, a hard few months and depending how you look at it, even more.

A little more than a week ago, my old nanny passed away, after like a year of fighting against lung cancer. I didn't want to say anything at the time cause it's not something I wanted to talk and it was so close to april fools I didn't want people thinking it was a bad joke.

But it's been a week now and I'm not doing well, I don't know how I'm doing. I'm feeling sad. With a lot of anxiety and regret. Regret of not being more, not being better and above all else, not being there for her as much as I could have. She really was a second mother to me, took care of us since I was born, whenever my mom and dad were too busy or not there, she was. She was always there to help, to talk and I don't believe I was.

And please don't say I was, you don't know me, what I did and didn't do

I've feel really bad this past week, choking on a ball of emotions that doesn't want to go day in and day out. Felt like I'm being pulled in all directions, with what I want, what others want what others need, wanting to be there, wanting to be better and failing.

And the worst part is, it's far from over. Without going into details, I have other family members that don't have the best life expectancies and I don't want to feel like I wasn't with them when I could but even now it's so hard, it's hard to me to be with people in person, even when I love them, even when I want to.

Everytime I end up feeling angry and sad and just wanting to be alone and that's the best case. I don't have the best relationship with all of them and I really don't know how to do anything more and I hate myself for not being more, for being incapable of at least give them tranquilitie.

I'm so tired of feeling everything like an obligation and falling short to others expectations. I'm tired of everything, doing art for others, having to answer comments, having all this anxiety and pressure to do everything and the fact that if I don't do that, I have nothing else to do. There's no plase to go, no shoulder to cry, no words to confort